So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
