how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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