I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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