this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
