What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
