U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
