just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
