did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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