my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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