I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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