he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Do you remember whose house we're in?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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