So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
