I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
