a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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