well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
