The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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