There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
