A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
