i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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