I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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