WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
