why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
