history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
