Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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