My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
