I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
