So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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