On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
