stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
