The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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