you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
