He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
