if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
