I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
