I just pynch a tree in the face
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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