He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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