he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
