So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
