just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
