Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
