you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
