I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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