so that wasnt chicken after all
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
