my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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