if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
