You can't special order awesome
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
