I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
