i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
