Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
