I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
