some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
