Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
